"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance
crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air
Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P) = Problem (S) = Solution
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage
(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level
(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground
(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for
(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search
(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious
It is now and always has been the policy of this company to
assure its employees that they are well trained. Through our
Special High Intensity Training program (S.H.I.T.). We have
given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other company in the
area.
If any employee feels that he/she can advance to a higher level
position by taking more S.H.I.T., he/she is advised to ask a
supervisor for more. Our Management personel are specially
trained to see that their employees get all the S.H.I.T. they
can handle.
Any individual who feels that he/she has not received their fair
share of Special High Intensity Training he/she is advised to
inform their supervisor so that the individual can be placed at
the very top of the S.H.I.T. list; making them eligible for
S.H.I.T. supplied by an independent consultant.
A mouse is in his mouse hole and he wants to go out to get something to eat,
but he's afraid there might be a big cat outside, so he puts his ear by the
opening and all he hears is "Bow Wow" so he thinks, "Well, there can't be a cat
out there because there's a big old dog", so he goes out of his mouse hole and
is promptly caught and eaten by a cat, who licks his lips and says "It's good to
be bilingual !!"
Two men were digging a ditch on a really hot day and one of them
said to the other "Why are we down here digging? When the boss
is up there drinking in the shade"
"I dont know go and ask him" He replied
So the guy climbed up out of the hole and walked up to the boss
who was sitting under a tree and asked him- "why are we working
and youre here relaxing?"
"beacuse of intelligence" The boss awsnered
"whats intelligence" The guy asked
"well let me show you" So the boss stood up and put his hand
against the tree
"hit my hand with youre fist" he said
so the guy tried to hit the bosses hand but just before he did
the boss moved so he hit the tree instead
"owwwwwww"
"thats intelligence" grined the boss
So the guy went back down in to the hole with his friend
his work mate asked "what did he say"
"its beacuse of intelligence" the guy replied
"whats that" questioned the work mate
"well let me show you" he said so the guy put his hand on his
face and said
"hit my hand with your shovel......"
Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm.
Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's
not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does...
