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| Posted by J Harry on 09-Aug-2005 | Chemist's fast prayerChemist's fast prayer:
Dear Lord, if I mix sodium
with concentrated HNO3,
and add to it Plutonium,
would you take care on me?
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| Posted by shankar jayaram on 09-Aug-2005 | Thrown out of the labTop ways to get thrown out of chemistry lab
7. Mutter repeatedly, "Not again... not again... not again."
6. When it's very quiet, suddenly cry out, "My eyes!"
5. Deny the existence of chemicals.
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| Posted by I'm Angel on 09-Aug-2005 | Chemistry is boringIT'S OFFICIAL : CHEMISTRY LECTURES ARE A YAWN.
October 9, 1995
A scientist has come up with proof of something students have known for years -- chemistry lectures are boring. In an article published in the current issue of Chemistry in Britain, a university chemistry lecturer introduced a guest lecturer to a class of 50 doctoral candidates.
Then, he and his colleagues studied variations in what he calls the HTFDR -- "head-to-floor distance reduction." After about an hour , the average HTFDR dropped from 135cm to 121cm, said the author of the study, who preferred to remain anonymous.
The HTFDR immediately bounced back to normal when the speaker uttered the magic words: "And in conclusion . . ."
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| Posted by URBANDEVIL on 14-Aug-2005 | "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky"It seems when Apollo Mission Astronaut, Neil Armstrong first
walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small Step
for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind" statement, but followed it
by several remarks -- usual communication traffic between him,
the other astronauts and mission control. Before he reentered
the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning
some rival Soviet Cosmounaut. However, upon checking, there was
no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years many people have questioned as to what the "Good
luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. A few months ago, (Jul 05
Tampa Bay, Fl), while anwering questions following a speech, a
reporter brought up the 26 year old question. He finally
responded.
It seems that Mr. Gorsky had finally died so Niel Armstrong felt
he could answer the question.
When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with his brother in
the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front
of his neighbors bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs.
Gorksy. As Neil leaned down to pick it up, he heard Mrs. Gorsky
shouting at Mr. Gorsky.
"Oral sex! It's oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the
kid next door walks on the moon!"
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| Posted by Fasty F. Fasty on 14-Aug-2005 | Experiment on ElephantOne day three scientists were discussing what would happen if
they rammed a cork up an elephants ass and force fed it for 2
weeks. But because the experiment had never been documented and
the idea was hard to comprehend they decided to have a go. A
week after the experiment had started they began to realize
"WHY" the idea had never been tried, they were stuck for someone
to pull the cork out!!
One of the scientists came up with a bright idea of training a
monkey to do the job, so they spent the next week training it to
pull out corks once a buzzer had rung, then push it back in for
another go. The big day arrived, they set up all the monitoring
equipment and set out to a safe distance. The first scientist
went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away and the third
went 3 miles away. When they were all ready the first scientist
pushed the button to sound the buzzer.
BAAAANNNNNGGGGG!!!!!
The third scientist (3 miles away) was up to his ankles in
elephant shit. The second scientist (2 miles away) was up to his
knees. And the first scientist who was 1 mile away was up to his
waist in elephant shit. When the others joined the scientist who
was 1 mile away they noticed that he was in fits of laughter.
"What in the world is so funny?" asked one of the scientists.
"You should have seen the monkey's face trying to get the cork
back in!"
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| Posted by Rebecca Ozment L. Ozment on 14-Aug-2005 | Giving birth in the year 4000In the year 4000, scientists invented a machine that transferred
the pain of childbearing from the mother to the father.
Hal and Binky are going to have septuplets, and they decide to
try the new machine. As Binky goes into labor, she and Hal go to
the hospital and get hooked up to the machine.
As the pain starts to get unbearable, the doctor turns on the
machine and Binky starts to feel better. But something that
baffles the doctor is that Hal doesn't feel any pain. So he
turns it up a notch. Binky feels great, the pain is getting to
be less and less, but Hal still doesn't feel anything. Their
first baby is born and the doctor turns up the machine all the
way.
Binky feels great. She's giving birth to seven kids and doesn't
feel a thing. So does Hal. "I don't know what you women are
complaining about. Labor isn't bad at all" he says to his wife.
The next day, they take their seven babies home, and dead on the
doorstep, is the milkman.
(get it?? the milkman is the father!!! lol!! you better laugh!!!)
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| Posted by Smoker Wiedman on 14-Aug-2005 | ImplantsImplants
There once was a man who had a phone implanted in his hand
and he walked into a biker bar. Shortly, his hand started to
ring and he picked his hand up and answered it. This procedure
happened one or two more times, and finally the bartender asked
what the heck he was doing, so he told him he had a cell phone
implanted in his hand, and the bartender told him he better be
careful because the boys at the bar did not like freaks like
him. He took the advice. A few minutes later he headed for the
bathroom and did not come back for ten minutes, then fifteen and
fifteen turned into twenty. The bartender went in to check up on
him to see if he had been hurt by a biker and sure enough, he
had his pants down to his ankles and toilet paper stuffed up his
butt. The bartender asked, "I warned you about this!"
And the man replied, "No, you have the wronge idea, I am just
getting a fax!"
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| Posted by Steph Reddin on 14-Aug-2005 | TechnologyGod creates man. Man develops technology and makes man himself.
Then one day, the scientists of the world decide they don't need
god any more because they have their own supplies. So they send
the smartest one to talk with gid. The scientist says, "God, we
don't need you anymore. You can leave." So God says, "Okay,
then let's have a contest, we each make a man." So the
scientist picks up some dirt, but god says, "No, no, get your
own dirt."
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| Posted by blonde joke on 09-Aug-2005 | Chemistry song 09O Little Melting Particle
(to the tune of "O Little Town Of Bethlehem")
Para Dichloro Benzene
how do you melt so well?
The plateau of your cooling curve
is really something swell.
We think the heat of fusion
of water is so nice
Give up fourteen hundred cals per mole
and what you get is ice.
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| Posted by Deborah L. Dallmeyer on 09-Aug-2005 | The Cesium song 12Seventy Six Neutrons
(Tune, Seventy Six Trombones)
Seventy six lithe neutrons swayed on Cesium's bar,
Half a hundred and ten bold protons...
Hold it! Hold it!. That's Cesium 131. Half life only about 9.69 days.
Let's go for immortality here. Worth a shot anyway...
Seventy Eight Neutrons
(Tune, Seventy Six Trombones)
Seventy eight lithe neutrons swayed on Cesium's bar,
Half a hundred and ten bold protons joined the press.
And the eletronettes were a-whirling in duets,
All but one, the singular miss Six S.
Seventy eight nubile neutrons writhed in close array,
Half a hundred and ten lusty protons swelled the crowd.
And the electron pairs played blue photonic airs,
From within a shining quantum cloud.
There were pions, muons, quarks and other fermions,
Tunneling, tunneling, in a state of partial dress.
'Till an oily bit of water came a wandering,
And miss Six S got in a great big mess.
Seventy eight screaming neutrons ran and jammed the door,
Half a hundered and ten brave protons hit the ground.
There was a sky-blue flash, then nothing left but ash,
And the echo of a glorious thundering sound.
--- Songs of Cesium #76
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