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| Posted by Cronic U. Bobinstein on 14-Aug-2005 | Last NameThe manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told
him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first
thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a
namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone
by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a
breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last
name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be
referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that
straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
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| Posted by James P. Bond on 10-Aug-2005 | The RaffleA woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond
necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start
dinner."
The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her
husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start
dinner."
The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink
coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" She replies, "Yeah
I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper."
Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only
one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an
inch of water in the tub." He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle
ticket wet."
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| Posted by scotty on 14-Aug-2005 | Thai LadyA businessman is vistiting the far east for a high level
business meeting and is booked into an exclusive hotel.
waiting for him is a prostitute supplied as a gift by the
company to do what ever he wants with for the evening.
he immediately throws her on the bed and starts making love,
they make love all night, however,at the point of climax the
girl always shouts "chung wah! chung wah!!chung wah!!!"at the
top of her voice...the man is a little confused by this but
carries on as she seems to be enjoying herself.
after a night of passion the man sets off for the golf course to
meet his clients. on the first tee he hits his driver but hooks
the shot far to the left , the ball landing on the 4th green.
suitably embarrassed he heads off after his ball, with his
caddie, a local boy.
as they walk his caddie starts laughing at where the ball has
landed whilst muttering "chung wah" to himself.
he turns to the caddie in anger and says " what is it with this
"chung wah"... what the hell does it mean anyway?"
he replies
"....wrong hole, sir"
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| Posted by Joe Mom on 14-Aug-2005 | The Orange SellerOnce there was a dumb orange seller who worked at a very
successful orange stand. One day a customer came to him and
asked:
"How much are these oranges?"
The man replied in a squeekiy voise " I dunno?"
The owner yelled back "Your supposed to say '25 cents!'"
Man: "25 cents"
Then a second costomer came up:
Costomer: "Are these oranges fresh?"
Man: "25 cents"
Owner: "No NO you say 'yes, yes very fresh!'"
Man: " yes, yes very fresh"
Then a thitd costomer walks up and says:
Costomer: "Can I buy these oranges?"
Man: "25 cents"
costomer: "I don't want the price! Can I buy these oranges?"
Man: "Yes, yes very fresh!"
Owner: "No, no your supposed to say 'Quick before sombody else
does'"
Man: "quick before somebody else does!"
Then a Robber comes in and says:
Robber: "How much money is in the cashregister?"
Man: "25 cents!"
Robber: "Are you bein' fresh with me?"
Man: "Yes, yes very fresh!"
Robber: "Do you want me to shoot you?"
Man: "Quick before somebody else does!"
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| Posted by Erik on 14-Aug-2005 | Commuters LamentVarily I sayeth unto thee, "Iseth it me, or doest the language
of ancient scripture givest thee a migrane too?"
Last week, someone told me that the only proper way of
addressing God in personal prayer was with archaic form, as in
"Spareth me thy unspeakable wrath, Oh Lord, for I am butteth a
worm, yea even unto a small one."
Not even. How I talk to God is my business. Which, by the way, I
have been doing a lot lately. Anyone who commutes to and frometh
work along the Wasatch Front has probably been praying in their
own way. Or at least calling on the name of God a lot.
Speaking of whicheth, someone sent me a copy of the "Commuter's
Lament." It's written in spiritual grammar, so it must work.
Harken unto my voice, all of you, and learn from my misfortune.
For I have dallied too long over "Good Morning America" and now
I pay the price. Yea, verily, it is rush hour.
And though I falleth upon my steering wheel and weep most
piteously, I goeth not forward upon the highway. And lo! There
is a wailing and gnashing of teeth, for clients do await me at
the office, and my boss doth curse my name most horribly.
And woe unto us all who do travel in the valley of the shadow of
road construction. For, verily, I am stopped near the
Machine-That-Makes-Pounding-Noises-For-No-Reason, and soon the
pain in my head is as a spike through my temple.
I look around myself, and I seeth also the doom of others. For
there are many children who frolic in back seats, and who do cry
out with much noise as and angry multitude: "I am hungry." "He's
sitting on my side!" "She's touching me!" and "Are we there yet?
For pee we must, and mightily!"
And after having suffered these trials and tribulations, I
arrive at my company's parking lot; but there are those who
parketh crookedly, and do taketh up two spaces with one car, for
fear others will smite their doors. And there are those vehicles
of an unnaturally large aspect that are puffed up and bear a
multitude of bumper stickers.
These cars are an abomination and pestilence in my eyes, for
they causeth me to park far from all mankind, out in the blasted
wilderness. I must walk many leagues, with my briefcase heavy
upon me, and the lessons of this day burned into my soul.
When at last I reach my office, I fall upon my brother's neck
and weep with joy. For I know that at the end of the day, I
shall not wander about as a sheep who has not a shepherd. My car
will not be lost in the wilderness and hidden unto me, because
by the time I am freed from my great travails, evening rush hour
will be long over, and mine will be the only car left in the
parking lot.
Amen.
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| Posted by Ben Driediger on 14-Aug-2005 | How the rich stay richBefore going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce
to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an
immediate loan of $5,000.
The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. "Well,
then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man said. The
loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's
underground parking garage for safe keeping, and gave him
$5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's
doors, asked to settle up his loan and get his car back.
"That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the
loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk
away.
"Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found
out you are a multi-millionaire. Why in the world would you need
to borrow $5,000?"
The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in
Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?
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| Posted by Blazin Shorty on 10-Aug-2005 | Bricklayer Accident ReportThis is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter of
the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board.
Dear Sir;
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block
#3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my
accident. You asked for a more complete explanation and I trust the following
details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on
the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had
some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 240 lbs.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel
by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth
floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the
barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope,
holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will
note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs. Due to my
surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind
and forgot to let go of the rope.
Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In
the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding
downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull,
minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident
reporting form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the
fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I
mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time I had
regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite
of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground
and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks,
the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.
As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts
for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and
lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to
slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and
fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain,
unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost
my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.
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| Posted by Lord Raven on 14-Aug-2005 | How to poop at workKeep the following in mind when going poopies at work...
We've all been there, but don't like to admit it. We've all
kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew
down below. WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate
pooping at work, following is the 2000 Survival Guide for taking
a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work
will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE - Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak
at the urinal or forcing a poop in the stall. This is usually
accompanied by a sudden wave of panic and embarrassment. This
is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen
police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not
acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing
next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it.
No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved.
Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE) - Definition: When
forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.
This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If
this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until
everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the
awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH - Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the
instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the
poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces
the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom.
This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME - Definition: Walking from the stall, to the
sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom.
This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and
busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the
smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the
COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER - Definition: A colleague who poops at
work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The
Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine
under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of
The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN) - Definition: A group of
coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off
without incident. This group can help you to monitor the
whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE
HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS - Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in
the
building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that
are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the
odds of
a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR - Definition: A pooper who does not realize that
you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is
one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur
when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall
until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH - Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new
entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can
be used to cover up a WATERMELON or to alert potential Turd
Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an
ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE - Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert
potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This
will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear
an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can
poop in peace.
WATERMELON - Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when
hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing
incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a
diversion. SEE CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET - Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a
series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied
by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED - Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger
around
forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the
mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult
to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop
your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well
as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY - Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before
pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are
others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful
not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if
they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
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| Posted by DevilsAngel5490 on 10-Aug-2005 | Little Johnny at School.The teacher says, "children, today i will ask each of you to come to the front
of the class and use a word in a sentence. today's word is "beautiful". little
sally, would you please come up here and use "beautiful" in a sentence?"
little sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said -
"teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world."
teacher says, "very good, little sally, you may sit. little frankie, your
turn."
little frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said
- "teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise i have ever
seen." teacher says, "very good, little frankie, you may sit. little johnny,
it's your turn."
little johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said
- "teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he
said...
'beautiful, just f*****' beatuiful!' "
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| Posted by Jade Cat on 14-Aug-2005 | 666OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast.
But did you know about:
660
Approximate number of the Beast
DCLXVI
Roman numeral of the Beast
666.0000
Number of the High Precision Beast
0.666
Number of the Millibeast
/ 666
Beast Common Denominator
(-666) ^ (1/2)
Imaginary number of the Beast
6.66 e3
Floating point Beast
1010011010
Binary of the Beast
6, uh... what was that number again?
Number of the Blonde Beast
1-666
Area code of the Beast
00666
Zip code of the Beast
666mph
The speed limit of the Beast
$665.95
Retail price of the Beast
$699.25
Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax
$769.95
Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
$656.66
Walmart price of the Beast
$646.66
Next week's Walmart price of the Beast
Phillips 666
Gasoline of the Beast
Route 666
Way of the Beast
666 F
Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k
Retirement plan of the Beast
666 mg
Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
6.66 %
5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell National Bank,
$666 minimum deposit.
$666/hr
Beast's lawyer's billing rate
Lotus 6-6-6
Spreadsheet of the Beast
Word 6.66
Word Processor of the Beast
i66686
CPU of the Beast
666i
BMW of the Beast
DSM-666 (revised)
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
1232 Octal, Apt. 29A
Beast's hexed address
668
Next-door neighbor of the Beast
333
The semi-Christ
665.9997856
The Number of the Beast on a Pentium
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