Escapee definition: a fart that slips out while peeing or forcing poop in a
stall. this is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. this
is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and
speeding. if you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. pretend it did not
happen. if you are next to the farter, pretend that you did not hear it. no one
likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. making a joke or
laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
jailbreak (used in conjunction with escapee) definition: when forcing poop,
several farts slip out at a machine gun's pace. this is usually a side effect of
diarrhea or a hangover. if this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall
until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of
what just occurred.
courtesy flush definition: the act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose
cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an
undisclosed location. this reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink
up the bathroom. this can help you avoid being caught doing the walk of shame.
walk of shame definition: walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door
after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. this can be a very uncomfortable
moment if someone walks in and busts you. as with all farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. can be avoided with the use of a courtesy
flush.
out of the closet pooper definition: a colleague who poops at work and is damn
proud of it. you will often see an out of the closet pooper enter the bathroom
with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. always look around the office for
the out of the closet pooper before entering the bathroom.
the pooping friends network (pfn) definition: a group of coworkers who band
together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. this group can
help you to monitor the whereabouts of out of the closet poopers and identify
safe havens.
safe haven definition: a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex. this will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
turd burglar definition: a pooper who does not realize that you are in the
stall and tries to force the door open. this is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. if this occurs, remain
in the stall until the turd burglar leaves. this way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.
camo-cough definition: a phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. this can be used to cover-up a watermelon or
to alert potential turd burglars. very effective when used in conjunction with
an astaire.
astaire definition: a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential turd
burglars that you are occupying a stall. this will remove all doubt that the
stall is occupied. if you hear an astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the
pooper can poop in peace.
watermelon definition: a turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the
toilet water. this is also an embarrassing incident. if you feel a watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. see camo-cough.
havana omelet definition: a load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. often accompanied by an escapee. try using a
camo-cough with an astaire.
uncle ted definition: a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
pot. an uncle ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you
should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. this benefits
you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
fly by definition: the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. walk in,
check for other poopers. if there are others in the bathroom, leave and come
back again. be careful not to become a frequent flyer. people may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
crack whore definition: a crapper that has seen more ass than a greyhound bus.
telltale signs of a crack whore include pubes, piss stains and s*** streaks.
avoid crack whores at all cost. try finding out when the janitor cleans each
particular bathroom. don't forget, with a good cleaning, a crack whore can
become a safe haven.
frequent flyer definition: someone who keeps going in the bathroom to check if
it is empty. this always looks bad for that person.
have you ever heard of the "drag bunt?"- that is when you are walking by a
bunch of people and farting the whole time, dragging it by the unknowing
victims.
Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It
shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble
because of language and cultural differences. For example...
The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately,
the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been
printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed
with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese
characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be
loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."
In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi
Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."
Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came
out as "eat your fingers off."
The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got
translated in the Japanese market into "Whensmoking Salem, you feel so refreshed
that your mind seems to be free and empty."
When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was
apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured
out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to
the Caribe.
Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found
out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for"tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the
nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.
When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to
say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company's
mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads
said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which
promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish,
the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."
Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender
chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue
with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that
explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."
Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos
before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts." In this case,
however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious
porno mag.
In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into
Schweppes Toilet Water.
Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered
English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours.
Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its
name.
and finally...
In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental
breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to extoll the drink's
eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Hence, the slogan, "Orange juice. It gets
your pecker up."
Interviewer: Why is a thicker conductor necessary to carry a current in A.C. as compared to D.C. ?
Student: An AC current goes up and down (drawing a sinusoid) and requires more space inside the wire, so the wire has to be thicker.
Interviewer: How will you tell if that wall outlet carries AC or DC?
Student: I will put my finger in. If it is pushed away, it is DC. If it gets stuck, it was AC.
Interviewer: How will you reverse direction of an induction motor?
Student: I will remove the four bolts at the base, turn the motor around, and put back the bolts.
Interviewer: How do you start a synchronous motor?
Student: Vrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in rising pitch)
Interviewer: Stop! Stop!
Student: rrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in falling pitch)
Interviewer: How do you limit surge current within an integrated circuit?
Student: By using a miniature circuit breaker.
Interviewer: " Why does a capacitor block DC but allow AC to pass through?
Student: See, a capacitor is like this ---~~ ~~--- , OK. DC Comes straight, like this ----------, and the capacitor stops it. But AC,goes UP, DOWN, Up DOWN and jumps right over the capacitor!"
Interviewer : "What is a step-up transformer?"
Student : "A transformer that is put on top of electric poles."
Interviewer (smiling): "And then what is a step-down transformer?"
Student (hesitantly): "Uh - A transfomer that is put in the basement or in a pit?"
Interviewer (pouncing): "Then what do you call a transformer that is installed on the ground?" (student knows he is caught -- can't answer)
Interviewer (impatiently): "Well?"
Student (triumphantly): "A stepless transformer, sir!".
3 old women were sitting around talking about how great their
son's were. The first woman says, "I have the best son of all,
he is a preist." Her son walks into the room and all the women
say, "Hello father."
The second woman says, "Well, I can beat that, my son is a
Raibbi." Her son enters in and they all say, "Hello Raibbi."
The the third woman speaks and says, "I can beat both of you, my
son is a striper." My son walks in and they all say, "Oh my god!"
For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron deficient blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
This leaves 19 million to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 ill and in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.
And you're sitting there reading jokes on your email!!!
