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| Posted by Lorinda Bruce on 10-Aug-2005 | The PlumberA lawyer needed a leak fixed and called the plumber; who after about 45
minutes was done and all cleaned up. "That will be $75" said the plumber. The
lawyer objected saying "I'm a lawyer, and I dont even get that much an hour!"
The plumber responded: "I didn't either, when I was a lawyer".
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| Posted by Jon Leow on 10-Aug-2005 | To Be The BossWhen the body was first created, all the parts wanted to be boss.
the brain said, "i should be boss because i control all of the body's
responses and functions."
the feet said, "we should be boss since we carry the brain about and get him
to where he wants to go."
the hands said, "we should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all
the money."
finally, the a****** spoke up. all the parts laughed at the idea of the
a****** being the boss. so, the a****** went on strike, blocked itself up and
refused to work.
within a short time, the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet
twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic, and the brain fevered.
eventually, they all decided that the a****** should be the boss, so the
motion was passed. all the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat
and passed out the s***!
moral of the story:
you don't need brains to be a boss - any a****** will
do.
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| Posted by dan hoffman on 10-Aug-2005 | Work Aptitude TestTake the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room
with only a table and two hairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any
instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting.
If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information
Systems is their niche.
If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk.
If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them
into Purchasing.
If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public
Relations would suit them well.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents
team.
If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
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| Posted by Taryn Holt on 10-Aug-2005 | TO ALL EMPLOYEES - FOUL LANGUAGE AT WORKIt has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout
the company have been using foul language during the course of normal
conversation with their co-workers. due to complaints received from some
employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer
tolerated. we do however, realize the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. therefore,
a list of "try saying" phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of
ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of
offending our more sensitive employees.
try saying: perhaps i can work late.
instead of: and when the f*** do you expect me to do this?
try saying: i'm certain that isn't feasible.
instead of: no f****** way.
try saying: really?
instead of: you've got to be s******* me!
try saying: perhaps you should check with...
instead of: tell someone who gives a s***.
try saying: of course i'm concerned.
instead of: ask me if i give a s***.
try saying: i wasn't involved in the project.
instead of: it's not my f****** problem.
try saying: that's interesting.
instead of: what the f***?
try saying: i'm not sure this can be implemented.
instead of: this s*** won't work.
try saying: i'll try to schedule that.
instead of: why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
try saying: are you sure this is a problem?
instead of: who the hell cares?
try saying: he's not familiar with the issues.
instead of: he's got his head up his ass.
try saying: excuse me, sir?
instead of: eat s*** and die.
try saying: so you weren't happy with it?
instead of: kiss my ass.
try saying: i'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
instead of: f*** it, i'm on salary.
try saying: i don't think you understand.
instead of: shove it up your ass.
try saying: i love a challenge.
instead of: this job sucks.
try saying: you want me to take care of that?
instead of: who the hell died and made you boss?
try saying: i see.
instead of: blow me.
try saying: yes, we really should discuss it.
instead of another f****** meeting!
try saying: i don't think this will be a problem.
instead of: i really don't give a s***.
try saying: he's somewhat insensitive. who does this remind you of
instead of: he's a prick.
try saying: she's an aggressive go-getter.
instead of: she's a ball-busting bitch.
try saying: i think you could use more training.
instead of: you don't know what the f*** you're doing.
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| Posted by Kas D on 10-Aug-2005 | EMPLOYEE EVALUATIONSI would not allow this employee to breed.
This associate is not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whatever foot was
previously there.
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
He set low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard was not looking.
A room temperature IQ.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it together.
A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
Bright as Alaska in December.
One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
Fell out of the family tree.
Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Has two brains: one is lost; the other one is out looking for it.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
If brains were taxed, she would get a refund.
Of he were anymore stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you will get change.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
It is hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to
dig.
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
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| Posted by El Nabo on 10-Aug-2005 | THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR D15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time
management course you sent me to."
13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new paradigm!"
11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
9. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I
learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related
stress."
7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our
biggest problem."
6. "The coffee machine is broken...."
5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
2. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."
AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:
"Amen"
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| Posted by Sonya M. Slover on 10-Aug-2005 | ARE YOU AN ENGINEER?If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE.
If your wristwatch has more computing power than a 486DX-50.
If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes.
If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner.
If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal
point in the right place.
If you look forward to the holidays only to put together the kids' toys.
If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging
coats and taping ducts.
If you window shop at Radio Shack
If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi
movie looking for technical inaccuracies.
If you are convinced you can build a phaser out of your garage door opener and
your camera's flash attachment.
If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is.
If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven.
If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
If you own 'Official Star Trek' anything.
If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project.
If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear
reactor.
If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
If you truly believe aliens are living among us.
If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.
If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns
bread into charcoal.
If you have more toys than your kids.
If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name.
If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight.
If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work, and you rush up to
the front to fix it.
If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary.
If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel, and have
seen most of the shows already
If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.
If people groan at the party when you pick out the music.
If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week.
If you did the sound system for your senior prom.
If your checkbook always balances.
If your wrist watch has more buttons than a telephone.
If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
If you thought the real heroes of Apollo 13 were the mission controllers.
If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get
enough sleep.
If you spend more on your home computer than your car.
If you know what http:/ stands for.
If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio.
If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain
atmospheric absorption theory.
If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate (or
Chinese, pizza, beer, etc).
If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail.
If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.
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| Posted by Cameron Gaut on 10-Aug-2005 | WORKPLACE COMEBACK LINESObviously you're unable to assimilate my stimulating concepts into your
blighted and simplistic world-view.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.
I like you. You remind me of me when I was young and stupid.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?!?
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
I'll give you a nice, shiny quarter if you'll go away.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication.
You're just jealous because the little voices talk to ME.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
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| Posted by calum irvine on 10-Aug-2005 | PROSTITUTE OR CONSULTANT?You work very odd hours.
You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.
You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money.
You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.
You charge by the hour but your time can be extended for the right price.
You are not proud of what you do.
Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.
It's difficult to have a family.
You have no job satisfaction.
If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client.
You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.
· People ask you what you do and you can't explain it.
Your family hardly recognizes you at reunions (at least the reunions you
attend).
Your friends have distanced themselves from you and you're left hanging with
only other professionals.
Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.
Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the
money.
Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or BMWs.
Your pimp encourages drinking and you become addicted to drugs to ease the
pain of it all.
You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth but if the client is
foolish enough to pay it's not your problem.
When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like
hell (compare your appearance on Monday A.M. to Friday P.M.).
You are rated on your performance in an excruciating ordeal.
Even though you get paid the big bucks, it's the client who walks away
smiling.
The client always thinks your cut of your billing rate is higher than it
actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.
When you deduct your take from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you
could get a better deal with another pimp.
Everyday you wake up and tell yourself you're not going to be doing this stuff
for the rest of your life.
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| Posted by Ali R. Hausfeld on 10-Aug-2005 | JOBS WORSE THAN YOURSThe San Francisco Zoo has an elephant named Calle who has a chronic illness,
requiring medication. The zoo people couldn't get Calle to take her dose orally,
so a pharmacologist developed an anal suppository.
The 10-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets are crafted by the good
folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame. Administering the DAILY medication
takes five zoo workers, including one person to distract Calle with treats and
one person who wears a full-arm glove.
FIVE people have jobs worse than yours.
Now stop complaining and get back to work!
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