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| Posted by Darmah G. Ontario on 10-Aug-2005 | Not Long EnoughA beautiful woman asked a computer geek what would be a reasonable password
for her new E-Mail. And he answered "Penis", so she tyred it in. She had just
stopped laughing about the word when a screen came up. COMPUTER REJECTION. NOT
LONG ENOUGH.
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| Posted by mark m. mcdonald on 10-Aug-2005 | Plastic surgeryThis one woman who was in her late 40's went to the plastic surgen. She wanted
an entire face lift and so the doctor said he had this new technique. The woman
asked how it was done so the doctor explained it. He said that he would cut two
slits on top of her head and tie them into a knot. The woman asked why he would
put a knot, and the doctor said that it was so if her face felt a little droopy,
when she twisted it to the right, it would tighten the skin on her face. The
woman decided to get the surgery done.The doctor told her to come back in four
months so he could check up on how she was doing. During the four months the
woman had tightened the knot quite a bit. When the woman had finally gone back
to see the doctor, she had been complaining about her bags under her eyes being
heavy.The doctor examined her for one minute and said, lady, those aren't bags
under your eyes, they're your tits! And then the lady said, that would explain
the gotee on my chin!
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| Posted by SweetAnne on 10-Aug-2005 | Programmer's PrayerOur program,
Who art in memory,
"Hello" be thy name.
Thy spreadsheets be formatted,
thy code be downloaded,
from disk
as it will be in memory.
Give us on screen
our data spreads,
and forgive us our typos,
as we forgive those who ask that we document.
Lead us not into frustration,
but deliver us from glitches.
For thine is the algorithm,
the application,
and the solution,
looping forever and ever.
Return.
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| Posted by Bessie L. Gass on 10-Aug-2005 | Project ManagersIf you get in my way, I'll kill you!
- ideal project manager
If you get in my way, you'll kill me!
- somewhat less than ideal project manager
If I get in my way, I'll kill you!
- somewhat misguided project manager
If I get in your way, I'll kill you!
- A tough project manager (eats glass, live cats, etc.)
If get kill in will way I you.
- dyslexic, functionally illiterate project
manager
I am the way! Kill me if you can!
- messianic project manager
Get away, I'll kill us all!
- suicidal project manager
If you kill me, I'll get in your way.
- thoughtful but ineffective project manager
If I kill you, I'll get in your way.
- project manager who has trouble dealing with the obvious
If a you getta ina my way, I gonna breaka you arm.
- project manager from New York
I am quite confident that there is nothing in the way, so
no one will get killed.
- project manager who is about to get in big trouble
If you kill me, so what? If you get in my way, who cares?
- weak, uninspired, lackluster project manager
If I kill me, you'll get your way.
- pragmatic project manager
Kill me, it's the only way.
- every project manager to date.
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| Posted by Fran Mcgrath on 10-Aug-2005 | Rookie OfficerA rookie officer pulled over a guy who was speeding.
Officer: May I see your license?
Man: It is not valid. It has been revoked 5 times.
Officer: Well then can I please see the registration to the car?
Man: this is not my car. I carjacked it.
Officer: Well open up the glove box and let me see who it is registered to.
Man: I can't open up the glove box; it has my loaded gun in there
about this time the officer is reaching for his gun.
Officer: Well what do you have a gun in the glove box for?
Manor, I used to kill my wife who is stuffed in the trunk.
The officer goes over and calls for backup. The police chief comes over and
says,
Chief: Let me get this straight, you are driving on a license that has been
revoked 5 times?
Man: No, Here, take a look,
and sure enough it was valid
Chief: Okay, but you carjacked this car?
Man: No it is my car. Let me get the registration out of the glove box and
show you.
Chief: But don't you have a loaded gun in there?
Man: NO
And sure enough there was no gun in there and the car belonged to the man.
Chief: Well it is my understanding that you shot your wife and she is in the
trunk.
Man: No, let me open it for you.
And sure enough there was nobody in the trunk.
Man: And let me guess, the lying son-of-a-gun probably told you I was speeding
too!
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| Posted by Justin on 10-Aug-2005 | Sloganis VeritasABC "America's Mickey Mouse Network"
Allstate "Sears-ious Insurance"
AOL "We've Got You by the Wires"
AT&T "No, WE'VE Got You by the Wires"
Burger King "Wait for It Your Way"
CBS "Welcome Home. Hey, Where the Hell Is Everyone?"
Chevrolet "GEO Whiz, We Like Toyota"
Chrysler "The Mercedes-Benz of American Cars"
Coca-Cola "New Coke Was Pepsi's Idea"
Democratic National Party "Bill Clinton? Never Heard of Him"
Disney "Available in Stores for a Limited Time Only"
Eveready "Nothing Really Keeps on Going Forever"
Ford "Quality is Somebody Else's Job"
Ernest & Julio Gallo: "We Will Have No Hangover before It’s Time"
General Electric "We're a Lot like RCA"
Honda "Just As Good As Hyundai. Really"
IBM "Windows Is Just a Fad"
JERZEES "Fit to a T"
KIA "Killed in Action?"
Little Debbie Snack cakes "Our Name Says It All"
L'Oreal "I'm worth it, and what’s it to ya?"
Maytag "The Fix Is On"
McDonald's "Did Somebody Say Cholesterol?"
Microsoft "Breaking Up Is Hard To Do"
NBC "Formerly Known As Must See TV"
Nike "Just Do It and Get Arrested"
Norelco "Running Circles around Blades"
Old Navy "Can You Ever Forgive Us?"
Oscar Meyer "We Are NOT about Spelling"
Pepsi-Cola "That Clear Crap Was Coke's Idea"
Pizza Hut "Nobody Beats Our Meat Lovers Special”
? Que Pasa? "Not Really a Name Brand"
RCA "Going to the Dogs"
Republican National Party "The Potato People"
Sony "We Just Can't Top the Walkman"
Sprite "Obey Our Ads"
Seven-Up "Up Yours, Cola Bastards"
Subway "We Are Not Public Transportation, Dammit"
Toyota "Slightly Better Than Hyundai"
Unicorns "Sorry We Missed the Ark"
Volkswagen "Buyers Wanted. Hey, we’re dying out Here"
Whirlpool "Not Nearly As Wet As We Sound"
Xerox "The Original Copycats"
Young Again "We Wish"
Zebra "Sort of Like a Black and White Striped Horse"
Zerox "See Us at Xerox"
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| Posted by Michael C. Basquill on 10-Aug-2005 | Your Tax Dollars At WorkThe Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting
a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
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| Posted by Dot57 on 10-Aug-2005 | Stress reliefOne day at the office, Joe was sitting at his desk working. His co-worker
Frank walks in and notices that Joe is not feeling well.
"What's wrong Joe", asks Frank.
"I'm all stressed out, my head is killing Me."
"You want to know what I do when I need relief from stress?” suggests Frank.
"I go home, tells my wife to lie on the bed, and then I rest my head on her
chest. Give it tries, it works great!"
Joe then takes a break. An hour later he returns to work totally refreshed
with a smile on his face.
"You look a lot better, did you try what I told you?” asked Frank.
"I sure did thanks!” responded Joe. "By the way, you have a nice apartment."
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| Posted by Lorinda Bruce on 10-Aug-2005 | The PlumberA lawyer needed a leak fixed and called the plumber; who after about 45
minutes was done and all cleaned up. "That will be $75" said the plumber. The
lawyer objected saying "I'm a lawyer, and I dont even get that much an hour!"
The plumber responded: "I didn't either, when I was a lawyer".
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| Posted by Jon Leow on 10-Aug-2005 | To Be The BossWhen the body was first created, all the parts wanted to be boss.
the brain said, "i should be boss because i control all of the body's
responses and functions."
the feet said, "we should be boss since we carry the brain about and get him
to where he wants to go."
the hands said, "we should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all
the money."
finally, the a****** spoke up. all the parts laughed at the idea of the
a****** being the boss. so, the a****** went on strike, blocked itself up and
refused to work.
within a short time, the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet
twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic, and the brain fevered.
eventually, they all decided that the a****** should be the boss, so the
motion was passed. all the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat
and passed out the s***!
moral of the story:
you don't need brains to be a boss - any a****** will
do.
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