Robert a 70 year old man was unable to take a crap for many days
so he decided to go to the hospital to talk to a doctor. Waiting
in the room the nurse comes in to take his vitals, the nurse
asked him, "Sir what seems to be the problem?" Robert says,
"Well I'm having a hard time taking a crap and I have tried
everything and I don't know what else to do." The nurse says,
"Well you're in the right place. We'll take care of you." The
doctor comes in and asks him as well, "So, what's the problem?"
Robert says, "I can't take a crap. I need help." "Well we will
take care of this!! Nurse, prepare for a enema." Says the
doctor. The doctor leaves and the nurse prepares to get things
together. The nurse says to Robert, "Now sir you need to lay on
your side and relax while I insert this. It will be a little
cold at first." Robert prepares for the cold shock by holding on
to the side rail.
Making faces and moaning he begins to tell the nurse, "What the
hell are you doing down there!!" "We're just about finished,"
said the nurse, "But now I have to tell you that you'll need to
hold this in as much as you can. I have to run and get a bed pan
for you. If you go before I come back I'll get in trouble
because the doctor does not like it for us to leave. But someone
forgot to leave a clean bedpan in here. I'll be right back." The
nurse said. While she was gone Robert kept his butt cheeks very
tight trying to hold it in, wondering where the nurse is, he
begun to squirm and roll around, and then all of a sudden he LET
GO and crapped all over the bed and himself. It was a mess!!
Remembering what the nurse said he rushed to clean it up and
taking the soiled bedclothes and gown off and wondering where to
hide it.
Hearing the nurse coming closer he threw them out the window!
But while he was throwing them out the window a poor old man was
taking a very nice walk, and all of a sudden the soiled
bedclothes landed on him. He screamed and ran back home with
crap all over him. He rushes into his home. His wife ran to him
and asked him, "What the hell happened to you?!" The husband says
to her, "I don't know but I think I just beat the crap out of a
ghost!!"
The following are actual sentences taken from patient's medical
charts. And we let these guys operate on us?
* Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
* Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a
year.
* On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third
day it disappeared.
* The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears
to be depressed.
* The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in
1993.
* Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
* Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert
but forgetful.
* The patient refused autopsy.
* The patient has no previous history of suicides.
* Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
* Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant
with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.
* Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
* Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady
pregnant.
* Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you
might want to work her up.
* She is numb from her toes down.
* While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
* The skin was moist and dry.
* Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
* Patient was alert and unresponsive.
* She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life
until she got a divorce.
* Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.
* I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for
physical therapy.
* Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
* Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus-sized.
* The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
* The patient was to have a bowel resection.
* However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
* Skin: somewhat pale but present.
* The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
* Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ____, who felt we
should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
* Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
* She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states
she was hot in bed last night.
* Patient was found in bed with her power mower.
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor
takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes
out the window. He immediately tells her to undress. After she
has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.
As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm
doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or
dermatological abnormalities."
"That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her
breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.
"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast
cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have
sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know
what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came
here in the first place."
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him
she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money
and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
''But how will I let you know the baby is born?'' she asked. He replied,
''Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of
expenses.''
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office
and explained, ''Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today
from Europe, and I don't understand what it means.''
The doctor said, ''Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.''
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor
with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back
to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read, ''Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti,
Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'''
Q: What's the differecne between a proctologist and a bartender?
A: A proctologist looks at the assholes one at a time
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():Medical Jokes (1211): Can't Get the Coffin Door Close
Posted by Bruce Henry on 14-Aug-2005
Can't Get the Coffin Door Close
There was once a man who was having problems getting an
erection. He went to his doctorto get some help.
Doctor: What's your problem?
Man: I am having trouble getting an erection.
Doctor: Ohh, that is a problem.
Man: Doc, can you help me?
Doctor: I believe so. There may be a number of reasons. What I
would suggest is something called Viagra. It stimulates your
hormones so that you will have an erection. I will give you a
prescription for a week, then you will come back and tell me how
it went.
Man: Thanks Doc, I hope it works.
A week later the man came back and he was obviously happy.
Doctor: So how did it go, did it work out?
Man: Doc, it worked great! Can you give me three cases of Viagra?
Doctor: Three Cases?! My god, what for?
Man: Well, I have to admit, I took the weeks prescription in one
day and I am just now starting off it. I figure that with three
cases, it'll last me the rest of my life.
Docter: Well, It's against my better judgment, but ok.
Two days later the doctor got a letter from the Man's wife:
Dear Doctor,
I am sorry to trouble you but something terrible, and tragic
happened yesterday. My husband had finished taking all of his
Viagra, and I have to say, it worked well. We were in the middle
of the most passionate sex I have ever had, and as soon as he
made me orgasm, he dropped dead.
We are having the funeral Friday, and I would hope you will see
it fit to come and pay your respects.
Sincerily, Caroline p.s. There is a problem that you may be able
to help with.
The following friday the doctor showed up at the funeral. The
wife of the man rushed over to him.
Wife: Doctor, I need your help immeadiatly!
Doctor: What's the problem?
Wife: I didn't think it was a problem when his pants couldn't
fit, so he is in his coffin with no pants, but....
Doctor: What is it?
Wife(bursts out crying): We can't get the coffin door CLOSED!
A newly married hillbilly couple decided they wanted children, but didn't know
how to go about it. Questions and conversations with friends and relatives
proved no help, until a neighbor said they should go to town and ask the Big
City Doctor. The doctor let them look at a child's book about where babies came
from, but to no avail. He tried his own explanation but was met with blank
stares. Exasperated, he took them to his private office, and showed them a porno
movie. This was also useless. Angrily, he ordered the girl to strip, told the
man to watch, and had sex with her on the couch.
''Now, do you understand?'' he asked.
''I just have one question. How many times a week do I have to bring her in
for this?''
1 people have rated this joke:
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():Medical Jokes (1211): Why Yellow Urine and White Seman?
Posted by Jennifer l. Meisel on 14-Aug-2005
Why Yellow Urine and White Seman?
Why did God make urine yellow and seman white?
So that men could tell whether they are cumming or going!
A man is at work when he gets a telephone call from a doctor,
the doctor says that his wife has been in a terrible car
accident, and she has been completly crippled. He said that
from now on the husband would have to do everything for her. He
said from now on your going to have to feed her, bathe her,
change her clothes and diapers, your going to have to give her
her medication, your going to have to assist her in going to the
bathroom. The man said thats awful! Then the doctor chuckled.
"Whats so funny?" asked the man. The doctor said "haha i was
just fucking with you.......shes dead!"
The Doctor comes out of an examination room and begins to write
a prescription. The Nurse walks by and says, "Excuse me, Doctor,
but you are trying to write with your thermometer." The Doctor
looks at the thermometer and says, "Darnit! Some asshole has my
pen."
