A man goes to the doctor and he finds out that he is very ill and only has a few weeks to live. He can't believe it and starts asking the doctor, "What can I do?"
The Doctor says that unfortunately it is too late and he should concentrate on getting his affairs in order.
"There must be something!" the man says. "What about radiation, Chemotherapy....I'm a tough guy!"
The doctor again says that there is nothing they can do for him and he should concentrate on the time he has left. The man, however, is beside himself and will not give up.
"Doc, please. What about experimental treatments? I'm not leaving until you give me something!"
At this point the doctor finally says, "OK, if I were you I'd take my wife up to the wine country and go to one of those spas they have, for a mud bath."
Now the guy really can't believe it.
"A mud bath?" he says. "If radiation won't work, chemo won't work, what is a mud bath supposed to accomplish?"
"Well, replies the Doctor, "It will get you used to dirt."
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():Medical Jokes (1211): The Top 16 Signs Your Doctor's Degree Is Bogus (Part II)
Posted by Rainfire on 14-Aug-2005
The Top 16 Signs Your Doctor's Degree Is Bogus (Part II)
16> Your gynecologist begins every exam with a hearty "Open sesame!"
15> His diploma states that he holds a "Doctor of Love" degree from Beaver State University.
14> He decides to share his "lubrication is for wussies" theory just before your prostate exam begins.
13> Closer inspection of his diploma reveals the "As Seen on TV" logo and Sally Struthers's signature.
12> His office is his '75 Nova and he invites you to the back seat for some medical marijuana.
11> He insists that the most important parts of a pelvic exam are "looking and tasting."
10> Colin Powell authenticates his diploma by reviewing it on a large projector screen, pointing out conclusive evidence of its authenticity.
9> Prostate exams should not include shots of tequila "to loosen you up a bit."
8> As you remove your shirt at his request, your dermatologist screams, "Yuck!! Is that a mole?!?"
7> He has a copy of "Dre's Anatomy" on his shelf.
6> Concerning your 103-degree fever and hacking cough, Dr. al-Sahhaf says, "The infidel viral dogs have never entered your gates. The sounds you hear are the screams of them committing mass suicide at your sweat glands."
5> He tells you it's cheaper to make your own colostomy bag with Ziploc bags and duct tape.
4> After giving you a rectal exam, he insists on lying next to you on the exam table and whispering the results in your ear.
3> When you tell him you think you have a staph infection, he says, "Hell, bring 'em all in -- I could use the extra business."
2> Asks if you've considered "putting Grandpa down."
1> Spends all 13 hours of labor shouting "Can you hear me now?" between your wife's legs.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():Medical Jokes (1211): The Top 16 Signs Your Doctor's Degree Is Bogus (Part I)
Posted by Make Me A. Laugh on 14-Aug-2005
The Top 16 Signs Your Doctor's Degree Is Bogus (Part I)
16> When you get close enough to his diploma, you can actually smell the Cracker Jack.
15> You're fairly certain no university offers a "Doctor of Bootyology" degree.
14> Regardless of what the diploma says, you're certain Hellmann's does not run the Mayo Clinic.
13> Asks you if you'd like fries with your pelvic exam.
12> His latex examination gloves are ribbed for added pleasure.
11> His framed "degree" looks suspiciously like Motley Crue's "Dr. Feelgood" album cover.
10> Dr. Harrelson prescribes medicinal marijuana for your ingrown toenail.
9> Pre-warms the proctoscope? Check.
Delicately lubes his latex-gloved hand? Check.
Puts on some Old Spice and fires up a Barry White CD? Uh-oh.
8> "Let's mix things up a little. How about you grab *me*, and *I'll* turn my head and cough?"
7> Prior to the exam, he connects a red light bulb to your nose "to tell me if I'm doing something wrong."
6> He says that the best way to do your heart bypass surgery is to go through your stomach, "you know, because of that saying."
5> You somehow doubt all his hype about the growing field of "Xtreme Gynecology."
4> This may be the only clinic your HMO covers, but you're pretty sure what your doctor is doing isn't the "reasonable and customary" way to perform an artificial insemination.
3> Employs the services of his pets, Fluffy and Rover, for your cat scan and lab work.
2> You're pretty sure the American Academy of Dermatology doesn't really sponsor his Pimple Squeezin' Olympics.
1> He introduces himself by saying, "I AM DR. CLEMENT OKON OF NIGERIA. FIRST, I MUST SOLICIT YOUR STRICTEST CONFIDENCE IN THIS TRANSACTION."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():Medical Jokes (1211): The Top 15 Signs You're Seeing the Wrong Shrink (Part II)
Posted by RICK S on 14-Aug-2005
The Top 15 Signs You're Seeing the Wrong Shrink (Part II)
15> When you confide that you think you're Napoleon, he refuses to see you any more because *he's* Napoleon.
14> "Ph.D.? No. But I *did* stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night."
13> When he does word association with you, he replies to every one of your answers by screaming, "WRONG!!"
12> Makes you pay in advance when you confess to feeling suicidal.
11> The sex therapy with multiple random partners sounded like a good idea, but Dr. Pimp seems to think you need an awful lot of it.
10> She insists on classifying your out-of-control jealousy of Adrien Brody as "pianist envy."
9> "Well of course you're afraid of flying! There's wind shear, pilots flying drunk and the obvious terrorist threat! And who works on those planes -- some lazy union guy? If you ask me, only a certifiable nut job would put his faith in the..."
8> HotShrinkBabe69: WhAt WuZ yOuR cReDiT cArD # aGaIn?
7> Accuses you of having no respect for other people's rights or rules of our society. Which is, of course, why you killed your last shrink.
6> Bills you by the sneeze.
5> Swears that giving her weekly foot massages and pedicures will help you work through your claustrophobia.
4> You're a Freudian/Jungian, and he's a Springer/Montel.
3> No matter what your problem, he tries to comfort you by saying, "Hey, it could be worse -- you could be Corey Feldman."
2> "Tell me about your mother. Is she hot? What's she wearing?"
1> When you mention your compulsive-shopping habit, he tries to sell you the Dr. Laura bobblehead doll on his desk.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():Medical Jokes (1211): The Top 15 Signs You're Seeing the Wrong Shrink (Part I)
Posted by Martin Lynch on 14-Aug-2005
The Top 15 Signs You're Seeing the Wrong Shrink (Part I)
15> At the beginning of every session, he pantomimes "You... drive... me... crazy!"
14> No matter what answer you give on your Rorschach test, he giggles and fondles his privates.
13> He encourages you to "play-act" your rage -- in the bell tower with live ammo.
12> She pooh-poohs the concept of a mother fixation while continuing to suckle you every visit.
11> For every problem you bring up, his remedy is, "I sense that your naked body is crying to get out of those clothes."
10> While taking notes, he asks whether you spell "loony" with a "y" or an "ie."
9> She takes all her notes on an Etch-A-Sketch.
8> "You know, Bob, sometimes suicide *is* a viable option."
7> You tell him you're having trouble with issues from early childhood. He says he's wearing a diaper and needs a good spanking.
6> Strokes his beard and muses, "Bipolar? Hmmm... so you're frigid with both men and women?"
5> He bills each of your personalities separately.
4> "Whoa! That's some nasty fantasy! Say that again, but this time speak up and look into the smoke detector."
3> First thing every session, he insists you follow his "valuable therapeutic method" and swap underwear with him.
2> "Oh, come ON. Lay off your mother already! The poor woman carried you in her BODY for nine months, you ungrateful whiner."
1> That's no cigar -- he's actually smoking a penis.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
William's wife started noticing how forgetful he was becoming. Being the concerned wife, she convinced him to see a doctor. William was a little worried when the doctor came in. Sensing his patient's nervousness, the first thing the doctor did was to ask what was troubling him.
"Well," William answered. "I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there, if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"
The doctor thought for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance."
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."
And at that point, the proctologist fainted.
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():Medical Jokes (1211): The Top 15 Advantages of Cialis Over Viagra (Part II)
Posted by Billy Gilman Fanatic on 14-Aug-2005
The Top 15 Advantages of Cialis Over Viagra (Part II)
15> When you're finally finished, she's way too tired for any of that meddlesome cuddling.
14> Less arm strength required for daily push-up routine.
13> Since he can't go outside in that condition, the typical man now has 35 hours and 58 minutes in which to do household chores.
12> You can now last from "Wet 'n' Wild" Volume One all the way through "Wet 'n' Wild" Volume Eight.
11> Need to relieve yourself allows for lots of practice doing handstands.
10> Keeps the other passengers at a safe distance on a crowded Monday-morning subway ride.
9> Let's face it, it's just not a romantic weekend if it doesn't leave you both incapable of walking for a month.
8> Sammy Sosa that much less likely to need cork.
7> Over one wild football weekend, you can be the human "E" in the stands for the St. Ambrose High Bears, the Maryland Terrapins and the Washington Redskins.
6> Take care of the ho *and* hoe the garden with the same handy tool!
5> Now the only "reloading" Grandpa needs to do during his "Murder She Wrote" marathons involves the hand-cream dispenser.
4> Need to get out of jury duty? Not a problem!
3> Kinda fun to watch the wife get hoarse screaming, "Get that thing away from me!"
2> Comes in nacho cheese flavor -- and so will you.
1> More-frequent deposits at the sperm bank let you pay off your car in a single weekend.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
Went to my doctor the other day for the old annual physical. Every couple of years this includes a colon exam. My doctor just examines the lower part of the colon (Flexible Fiberoptic Sigmoidoscopy) and, if everything is alright there, doesn't recommend the more intrusive colonoscopy. While explaining this to me, the interaction went something like:
Doctor: I'll just check out the lower part of the colon. If we find anything abnormal, then I'll send you over to the hospital for the 'whole nine yards'.
Me: Wide eyes.
Doctor: Oh, just a figure of speech. It's only about two and half feet.
