A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
This guy was visitng the country one day and saw a for sale sign in front of a farm. The guy goes up to the farm and asks the farmer to show him around the farm.
The farmer starts with the house and shows him all the rooms. The guy likes the house and tells him that he always wanted a house like this on his farm.
Then the farmer shows him the barn. The city fellow likes the barn and tells him that he's always wanted a barn like this on his farm. Then the farmer shows him the land and the guy is very pleased with it and was just about to write the farmer a check when he noticed some bees flying around a tree.
The farmer told him they were honey bees and that they were very nice. The man still refused and told him he didn't trust bees and he didn't want any on his farm.
The farmer was very eager to sell his farm so he told the man that he'll tie him naked to a tree and cover him with honey and if one of the bees stings him he could have this farm for half of what he was asking. The buyer agrees and lets the farmer ties him up.
About 6 hours later the farmer remembers about the buyer and went to see him. When he got to him he asked him if any bees stung him and he said, "No but doesn't this cow have a mother?"
Three cowboys were on their way home after herding a group of cattle to a ranch. On the way, they came across a sheep with it's head stuck in a fence. one man said, "Man, I'm gonna get some of this."
He began to screw the sheep. He asked if another man wanted to get some, and one of them said yes and he started screwing it.
After he got done, he asked the last man if he wanted some. the man said sure and stuck his head in the fence.
It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.
"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."
The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a body like Arnold Schwarzenagger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this horse I'm, riding."
The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."
The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenagger's.
Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, "My God, I forgot I was riding the Mare!".
There was a traveling salesman whose car became hopelessly stuck in a snow bank during a recent blizzard in North Dakota. It took him several hours to make it to the nearest farm house, but frozen half to death, he finally reached the front door and knocked on it.
A grizzled old farmer answered and the salesman pleaded for a place to spend the night. 'Why sure, young fella, I can give ya a place to bunk,' said the hospitable old man. 'But, I ain't got no daughter for ya to sleep with, like ya always hear about in them thar jokes.'
'Oh!' said the salesman. Then thinking a moment or two said, 'Just how far is it to the next house?'
A cowboy was walking down the street with his new pet dachshund when a passerby asked him why in the world he would buy such an "uncowboylike" dog.
The cowboy answer, "somebody told me to get along little doggie."
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():Farmer Jokes (50): Why New Yorkers Are Not Ranchers
Posted by ~SwEeT*HeArT~ on 11-Aug-2005
Why New Yorkers Are Not Ranchers
A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.
"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J. My wife favored the Suzy-Q. One son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."
Little Jimmy's father always used to tell him bedtime stories. Being the quick-witted fellow that he was, he always embelished on them adding little jokes here and there.
One day in Little Jimmy's kindergarten class, his teacher was telling them the strory of the three little pigs. Jimmy knew this story because his father always told him this before he went to bed. They were at the part when the first pig needed to build his house.
"Then," the teacher said, "the first little pig needed straw to build his house. Along the road he saw a farmer carrying a bail of straw. So the little pig walked up to the farmer and asked him if he could borrow his straw to build a house. Then class, do you know what the farmer said?"
Little Jimmy immedeatly raised his hand, knowing the answer.
Ole and Lena's bull took sick and died, so they needed to go to the auction to buy a new one. Ole had to get the crops in and couldn't leave the farm, so Lena took the train to the city to buy a bull. If she was successful, she would take the train back to the farm, then she and Ole would go to town with the truck to pick up their newly purchased bull.
The bidding was furious at the livestock auction, and Lena found herself bidding on the last remaining bull. It took everything she had but ten cents, but she was finally the successful bidder.
Unfortunately, the train home was fifty cents. "Please, Mr. Conductor, couldn't you make an exception just once?" pleaded Lena. "Sorry lady," he replied, "but you can send your husband a telegram to tell him your problem. The office is just down the street."
At the Telegraph office, Lena asked, "Mister, how many vords can I send to my husband for a dime?" "It's ten cents a word," the clerk answered. Lena pondered her dilemma, then finally said, "OK, here's da message: "COMFORTABLE".
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.
The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole"
