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| Posted by Misty D. Hall on 14-Aug-2005 | To Home With LoveDear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying
very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I
need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I
would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to
keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit
of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
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| Posted by Wild Lietz on 14-Aug-2005 | Use "Beautiful" in a SentenceLittle Johnny's teacher asks the class if anyone can use the
word "beautiful" in a sentence. Little Johnny starts waving his
hand in the air immediately.
The teacher calls on little Mary. Little Mary says, "The sunset
last night was beautiful." "Wonderful", says the teacher. Next
she calls on little Susie.
Little Susie says, "There are some beautiful flowers in front of
the school." "Terrific, little Susie", says the teacher.
Finally she calls on Johnny. Little Johnny says, "My sister's
got beautiful tits!" "Johnny!!!", says the teacher in shock.
"You can't...how could you...that's not the sort of thing...you
have to be punished! Tonight you have to think up a sentence
using the word "beautiful" in it twice and tomorrow morning
you'll tell it to the whole class."
The next morning she makes Johnny come up to the front of the
class to recite his sentence. Little Johnny says, "Last night my
sister told daddy she was pregnant and daddy said, "Beautiful,
just fuckin' beautiful.""
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| Posted by Lubo on 14-Aug-2005 | Children's Books You'll Never See"Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver"
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
"Dad's New Wife Timothy"
"Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"
"Testing Homemade Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your
Household Pets"
"The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"
"Babar Meets the Taxidermist"
"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
"Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's
Purse"
"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"
"How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary
School"
"Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear"
"See Dick Stiffen"
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():College Humor (262): The Bible Acording to University Students |
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| Posted by Amanda S. Lonick on 14-Aug-2005 | The Bible Acording to University StudentsTop ten reasons why the bible would be different if it were
written by university students.
10. The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning, cold.
9. The Ten Commandments would be actually only five,
double-spaced, and written in large font.
8. Promiscuous females would be pissed, not stoned.
7. Forbidden fruit would still have been eaten, anything is
better than college food.
6. Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's e-mail to
abuse@romans.gov.
5. Reason Cain Killed Abel: they were flatting together and the
dishes weren't getting done.
4. The time and place where the end of the world occurs would be
lecture theatres in October.
3. Mary would have made a complaint to the sexual harassment
committee concerning Gods unwanted advances.
2. The reason why Moses and the followers walked in the desert
for forty years: they didn't want to ask directions and look
like first years.
1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on
the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before it
was due and then pulled an all-nighter.
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| Posted by little e on 14-Aug-2005 | Fuck"Fuck" Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in
the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one
magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain,
pleasure, love, and hate.
In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It
can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and
intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an action verb
(John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't
give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or
as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck).
It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful)
or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It
can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also
stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the
overall versatility of the word "fuck"..
Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be
used to describe many situations:
1. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
2. Fraud "I got fucked by the car dealer."
3. Resignation "Oh, fuck it!"
4. Trouble "I guess I'm fucked now."
5. Aggression "Fuck you!"
6. Disgust "Fuck me."
7. Confusion "What the fuck.......?"
8. Difficulty "I don't understand this fucking business!"
9. Despair "Fucked again..."
10. Pleasure "I fucking couldn't be happier."
11. Displeasure "What the fuck is going on here?"
12. Lost "Where the fuck are we."
13. Disbelief "Unfuckingbeliveable!"
14. Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!"
15. Denial "I didn't fucking do it."
16. Perplexity "I know fuck all about it."
17. Apathy "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
18. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
19. Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?"
20. Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here."
21. Directions "Fuck off."
22. Disbelief "How the fuck did you do that?"
It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fucking
asshole."
It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fucking
job?"
It can be maternal- "Motherfucker."
It can be political- "Fuck Dan Quayle!"
It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:
"What the fuck was that?"
Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where did all these fucking Indians come from?"
General Custer
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?"
Captain of the Titanic
"That's not a real fucking gun."
John Len
"Who's gonna fucking find out?"
Richard Nixon
"Heads are going to fucking roll."
Anne Boleyn
"Let the fucking woman drive."
Commander of Space Shuttle
"What fucking map?"
"Challenger," Mark Thatcher
"Any fucking idiot could understand that."
Albert Einstein
"It does so fucking look like her!"
Picasso
"How the fuck did you work that out?"
Pythagoras
"You want what on the fucking ceiling?"
Michaelangelo
"Fuck a duck."
Walt Disney
"Why?- Because its fucking there!"
Edmund Hilary
"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?"
Joan of Arc
"Scattered fucking showers my ass."
Noah
"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head."
John F. Kennedy-
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| Posted by chris on 14-Aug-2005 | Little Johnny on Christmas PresentsLittle Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting
tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink
said that since Christmas was coming up that he should ask
Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he cussed he should
leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gift. Two days before
Christmas Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said,
"I want a god damn teddy bear laying right fucking here beside
me when I wake-up Christmas morning. Then when I go downstairs I
want to see a motherfuckin' train going around the god damn
tree, and when I go outside I want to see a red-assed fuckin'
bike leaning up against the damn garage!"
Christmas morning Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a
big pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a
bunch of dog shit around the Christmas tree. Scratching his
head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the
garage. When he walked back inside with a curious look on his
face, his dad smiled and asked, "So Johnny, what did Santa bring
you this year?" Johnny replied, "I think I got a god damn dog
but I can't find the son of a bitch."
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| Posted by Juliet on 14-Aug-2005 | First Grade TeacherA first grade teacher was a die-hard Colorado Avalanche fan. She
told the class to raise their hands if they were true Avalanche
fans like her. The children, not knowing what an Avalanche fan
was, raised their hands. They too wanted to be just like the
teacher, all except one little girl. She did not raise her hand.
The teacher approached her and asked, "Why aren't you an
Avalanche fan? They are the best team and I love them." The
little girl responded, "I'm a Detroit Red Wings fan." The
teacher asked, "Why are you a Wings fan?" The little girl said,
"Well, my parents are Wings fans."
The teacher, getting upset at this point, stated, "Just because
your parents are Wings fans doesn't make you one. What if your
dad was a moron and your mom was an idiot, what would that make
you?" The little girl thought for a moment and said, "Well, that
would make me an Avalanche fan."
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| Posted by kristin n. marek on 14-Aug-2005 | Final Exams-Top 50 Fun Things to Do:1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15
minutes. Wake up, say, "oh geez, better get cracking," and do
some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming, "Andre, Andre,
I've got the secret documents!!"
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is
long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be
creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the
instructor's left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud,
debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop,
yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start
talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it,
loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this.
I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal?
And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume
at max level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting
way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to
answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my
religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a
sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say, "They've found me, I
have to leave the country" and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the
papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell
out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another
copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this
process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on
your head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the
exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know
one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman
numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not
looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to
be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the
instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor
to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to
stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move
to another seat, continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you
walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and
true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out
interesting things (DCCAB.BABE. etc..).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and
answers completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down
violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the
instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all
leaving after one hour to go drink)
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some
point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy)
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor
asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light
bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up
to a clapper. DUH!"
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30
minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling, "I'm here, the
phantom of the opera," until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you
know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize
you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture.
Fight for your right to take the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over. While laughing
loudly, say, "you don't really expect me to waste my time on
this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy.
Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they
finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the
theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest
proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers
into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything
to your own life story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword
and shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way
through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have
bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is
obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise
you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and
staple them to the exam, with the comment, "Please use the
attached notes for references as you see fit."
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to
any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around
like they do before concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next
to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams,
etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks,
chairs, anything you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards
at a 90 degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If
you are asked to stop, say, "it helps me think." Bring a copy of
the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to
find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't
forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx
Sucks."
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| Posted by vanderherten Danny on 14-Aug-2005 | Math HomeworkLittle Johny was at home doing his math homework. He said to
himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three
plus six, that son of a bitch is nine." In that moment, his
mother comes in and hears what he is saying. "Johny, what are
you doing?! Why are you saying that?" Little Johny answered,
"I'm doing my math homework." She said, "And is that what your
teacher taught you?" He replied, "Yes"
The next day, the mother, worried about the education her son is
receiving, goes to Little Johny's school to talk to the teacher.
The mother said to his math teacher, "I would like to know what
you are teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right
now, we are learning addition problems."
Little Johny's mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say
two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" When the teacher
stopped laughing she replied, "Not at all! What I taught them
was two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH IS four."
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| Posted by Something on 14-Aug-2005 | Poor KidFirst grade class comes in from recess.
Teacher asks Alice: "What did you do at recess?" Alice says, "I played in
the sand box." Teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if
you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie." She
does and gets a cookie.
Teacher asks Billy what he did at recess. Billy says, "I played with Alice
in sand box." Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'Box' correctly on
blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." Billy does, and gets a
cookie.
Teacher then asks Mustaffa Machmoud what he did at recess. He says, "I
tried to play with Alice and Billy, but they threw rocks at me." Teacher
says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination.
If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination'
I'll give you a cookie."
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