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| Posted by Faz on 14-Aug-2005 | Explaining sexA little boy and his father were walking through a field when
the came across two dogs doing the nasty. The boy, very curious
about what was happening, turned to his father and asked him
what they were doing. The father, trying to make his answer as
subtle as possible replied, "They are making puppies."
Later that night the little boy awoke from his sleep and wanted
a drink of water. He walked over to his parents room and caught
them screwing. The boy, not knowing what was happening, asked
his father what they were doing. The father replied, "We are
making you a little brother." To this the boy said, "Turn mom
over, I'd rather have a puppy!"
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| Posted by Peter B. Wilson on 14-Aug-2005 | What My Mom Taught MeMy Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall off that swing and
break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICINE... "If you don't stop crossing your
eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your
spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"
My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think
that I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you
thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your
toes, don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat
your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My mother taught me about GENETICS... "You are just like your
father!"
My mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were
born in a barn?"
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE... "When you get to
be my age, you will understand."
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your
father gets home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING... "You are going to get it
when we get home."
and the all time favorite thing--JUSTICE "One day you will have
kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see
what it's like."
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| Posted by Polly Esther Fabrique on 14-Aug-2005 | Michigan JokesIt is Michigan week...here we go...
A little boy and his mother were walking through a Michigan
cemetery when they came upon a headstone that read "Here lies a
Michigan graduate and an honest man." The little boy asked,
"Mommy, why did they bury 2 people in there?"
Coach Lloyd Carr is only dressing 10 players for the Michigan
game against Ohio State. The rest of the team will get dressed
by themselves.
Q: How do you get a Michigan cheerleader into your dorm room?
A: Grease her hips and push.
Q: Why is ice no longer available at Michigan football games?
A: The senior who knew the recipe graduated.
Q: What are the longest 3 years of a Michigan football player's
life?
A: His freshman year.
Q: Why did Michigan replace the stadium grass with Astroturf?
A: To keep the cheerleaders from grazing during games.
Q: How do you get a Michigan graduate off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza
Q: What does the average University of Michigan football player
get on his S.A.T.?
A: Drool.
Q: Why are there no Nativity scenes on the Michigan University
campus at Christmas?
A: Because they can't find three wise men and a virgin.
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| Posted by Meg B on 14-Aug-2005 | Final ExamTwo college football players were taking an important final
exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and
not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The
exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old
MacDonald had a _________."
Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he
needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure
the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder.
"Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"
Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't
noticed then he turned to Bubba.
"Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a
farm."
"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2
pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped.
Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how
do you spell farm?"
"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E
-I-E-I-O."
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| Posted by flameb0y on 14-Aug-2005 | When Lincoln Was Your AgeA father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was
studying books by the light of the fireplace."
The son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was President."
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| Posted by The Bulldozer on 14-Aug-2005 | One Hour DelayOne day there was a little boy sitting down playing with his new
train set while his mother was fixing dinner. The mother, busy
fixing dinner was not really paying any attention to what her
son was saying so as she started to tune in to him she heard"
choo! choo! all you motherfuckers who wanna get on thr train get
on and to all you motherfuckers who wanna get off the train get
off.The mother scolded and put the little boy in timeout for an
hour and told him to think about what he had done. When the hour
was up the little boy decided that he was ready to play with his
train again so he started "choo! choo! all you ladies and
gentlemen who wanna get on the train get on and all you ladies
and gentlemen who wanna get off the train get off and for those
of you wondering about the one hour delay talk to the bitch in
the kitchen."
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| Posted by Donald Little on 14-Aug-2005 | 49 Fun Things to Do in a Boring Lecture1. Bring a blowhorn. Use it when you ask or answer a question.
2. Heckle the professor.
3. Hire a video crew to come to the class. If asked about it, say
that you have to tape the lecture for a friend.
4. Bring a water gun. Shoot the professor when his back is
turned.
5. Get the other students in your row to do the wave.
6. Bring a small chalkboard to class. Ask the professor if you
can borrow his chalk to take notes.
7. Contradict everything the professor says. Offer irrefutable
scientific proof.
8. If it's a math lecture, claim that the professor misspelled
pi.
9. When the professor asks a question, raise your hand. If the
professor calls on you, point to someone in the next row and say
"He knows." Pick a different person each time.
10. Buy a doll. When you go to class, leave the doll in your
chair, along with your notebook and pen. Say that you have an
important meeting to go to, and that the doll will be taking
notes for you.
11. Bring a typewriter. Use it to take notes.
12. Write a love note. Sign it "a secret admirer". Get someone to
pass it to the professor.
13. Get up to go to the bathroom five or six times during the
class. Change clothes every time.
14. While taking notes, write vulgar words every few lines. If
anyone asks, say you have Tourette's syndrome.
15. Buy a watermelon. Give it to the professor. If he/she asks,
say "They were out of apples."
16. Bring a small tape player. Play a tape of the previous
lecture. Take notes on both.
17. If it's an English class, ask how the theory of relativity
relates to Shakespeare's "Midsummer Night's Dream".
18. Pretend to be asleep until five minutes before the end of
class. Then wake up and explain that you missed the lecture, and
ask the professor to summarize what he/she talked about.
19. Bring a can of spray paint. Use it to take notes on the
classroom wall.
20. Bring a fully-stocked picnic basket to class. Explain that
you didn't have time to eat breakfast.
21. Wear a loincloth to class. If anyone asks, say that it is
your costume for the school play, and you didn't have time to
change out of it.
22. Tear out pages of the textbook and make little origami
animals out of them. Have a whole menagerie by the end of class.
Give them to the professor as a token of your esteem.
23. Bring a fishing rod. Try to catch things on the professor's
desk.
24. Bring a tape player and a tape of a thunderstorm. Keep it
hidden. Sometime during the lecture, start the tape, stand up,
claim that the professor has angered the gods and leave. Watch to
see how many students follow you after the tape starts playing.
25. Make reserved seating cards and place them on the desks
before class.
26. Tell the professor you are on a new experimental cold
medication that may have strange side effects. Every ten minutes
or so, run around the room screaming. Afterward, claim that you
have no memory of what just happened.
27. Claim that you are the new student teacher, and that you are
to give the lecture for that class. If the professor agrees,
lecture on a subject completely opposite the to subject of the
class. If the professor objects, say that the students should
have a wide range of knowledge.
28. Switch the professor's lecture notes with your history notes
from last term.
29. Raise your hand and ask when the movie is going to start.
30. Bring a flash camera. Take pictures every few minutes, using
a very bright flash. If anyone complains, say that you didn't see
any sign saying you couldn't bring cameras.
31. Bring a light bulb. Hold it over your head whenever you have
the answer to a question.
32. Bring an easel and a paint set. Paint a portrait of the
professor during the lecture. Say that it is a homework
assignment for art class.
33. Sneeze very loudly. Then, have the person next to you sneeze,
then the person next to him, and so on. See how long it takes
before the professor sneezes.
34. When the professor comes in, say, very loudly, "Hey! A
substitute! All right!" Claim that the real professor said you
could have lecture outside.
35. Come to class wearing the same outfit as the professor. Call
the professor a copycat.
36. If it's a geology lecture, switch the quartz crystals with
New Folgers Crystals and see if the professor notices. Have a
hidden camera.
37. Hide a ticking clock under the podium. Call in a bomb threat.
38. Write your assignment on Plato on your little sister's
modeling clay.
39. Ask questions in a foreign language you know the professor
doesn't know. Act angry when he/she doesn't understand you.
40. Come to class dressed as a professional wrestler. Tell people
you joined the wrestling team. Body slam anyone who doesn't
believe you.
41. When the professor comes in, suddenly scream, "NOOOOOO! Not
him! Not professor Johnson!! They let him teach again!
NOOOOOOOOO!" then run out of them room. See how many people
follow you.
42. Turn your row into a mosh pit.
43. Before class starts, turn all the desks upside down. Sit on
them like you would normally.
44. Two words: American Gladiators.
45. Make requests like people do at rock concerts. ("Relativity!
Relativity! Einstein rocks!")
46. Bring popcorn. Throw it and the professor. Complain that
these trained animal shows aren't what they used to be.
47. Bring a tape player and a tape of the school bell. Play it
every 15 minutes.
48. When the professor calls on you, mumble incomprehensibly.
Answer every question in this fashion. See how long it takes
before the professor stops calling on you.
49. When you take a test, hire a security guard to stand by your
desk and make sure no one cheats off your paper.
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| Posted by deeze nutz on 14-Aug-2005 | Give 100% at WorkAlways give 100% at work....
12% Monday
23% Tuesday
40% Wednesday
20% Thursday
5% Friday
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| Posted by Japeloup on 14-Aug-2005 | Unwilling Part in a PlayJohnny was made to take a part in his school play in order to
get a passing grade on his report card. Johnny stressed several
times that he could not remember the lines asigned to him to
recite. The night of the play came around and he again stressed
that he could not remember the lines he was to perform.
As his turn grew ever closer he studied his lines over and over
with little success in remembering them. Here is what Johnny was
supposed to recite. "Oh you alabaster witch, with turquoise eyes
and ruby lips, how you make my heart twitch, Shakespeare!"
As Johnny walked onto stage and saw the crowd looking intensely
at him his lines once again slipped from his mind. Here is what
he said. "Oh you Alabama Bitch, with turkey eyes and rubber
tits, how you make my asshole twitch, snake shit, bat shit, rat
shit, didn't want to do this fucking play anyway."
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| Posted by Sapphire Iscariot on 14-Aug-2005 | The Rules of Writing1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly
superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however
should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth
earth-shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not
needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations.
Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist
hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
And finally...
34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
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